Platonic Friendship

[Castro]

Here's a (long) quote from a site just to introduce the topic:

 

The Futile Fugue: Variations on a Theme

How many times has this happened to you?

The stories remain the same, from the first note you passed in grammar school, to the woman you met through a mutual friend in college:

 

* You meet a girl who is everything you ever wanted in a life-partner: attractive, funny, smart, great personality, laughs at your jokes, understands who you are as a human being, etc. You talk to her briefly, and find out that she is even more attractive now that you've spoken to her. You ask her out. She says to you:

"I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS"

 

* You meet someone: a neighbor, schoolmate, co-worker, in the same club, on the same bus. You become fast friends. One day, you realize that, in addition to being a close friend, this person is an attractive woman. You ask her out. She says to you:

"I DON'T WANT TO RISK OUR FRIENDSHIP"

 

* You meet a girl who you know could be the one. She makes your toes curl, your stomach knot, your mouth dry -- you become even more of a gibbering moron then you usually are. You're so incapacitated in her presence that you can't ask her out. You decide that things will be better once you get to know her better, so you become friends. You become best friends -- so good, in fact, that you can't bring yourself to ask her out. Yet there is this nagging voice in the back of your mind that says you could be more than friends. You swear that you will tell her how you really feel. Right before you can do this, she tells you:

 

"I'VE MET THIS REALLY GREAT GUY"

 

So I'm watching Chris Rock doing a standup routine the other day and he says, "a platonic friend is like a d!ck in a glass. In case of an emergency --

you break the glass."

 

That got me thinking. Have all my friendships with women been a variation of the types mentioned above? Just how long have I been in a glass? Is there a way out? What constitutes an "emergency" in order for this glass to be broken?

 

After a while I realized I have benefited greatly from these friendships. And while no one wants to be around just for emergencies, you know that one day you'll be needed. In more ways than one.

 

Ofleh

[Jurnee]

Just how long have I been in a glass? Is there a way out? What constitutes an "emergency" in order for this glass to be broken?

I may be wrong but didnt you say you were married with kids. If so, would you really want your glass to be broken in an emergency?

[Castro]

I may be wrong but didnt you say you were married with kids.

Affirmative. I never said I was neutered though.

 

If so, would you really want your glass to be broken in an emergency?

Depends on the emergency I think. Prior to marriage and in times of conflict, separation, divorce or even elevated levels of Testosterone (due to solar flares) is when one would like to have that glass broken.

 

As Chris Rock stated, and I must say I agree with him on some level: women friends are just those whom men have yet to be intimate with. While male friends are the "extinguishers" in the glass box.

 

Our religion and culture are against male-female "friendships" so this is an issue that many don't experience and even less would want to talk about.

 

Ofleh

[dawoco]

The topic had a very promising start up until u labelled urself as a male member. Bro don't look for life philosophies in a comedy programme.

[Castro]

The topic had a very promising start up until u labelled urself as a male member.

So it would have been better if a female had posted this? I don't understand.

 

Bro don't look for life philosophies in a comedy programme.

I look for philosophy everywhere. Including comedy.

 

Ofleh

[Curly]

Dacowo is quite right; the topic had a promising start. But as shankroon already mentioned, if you're married what on god's green earth are you doing looking for something more in your platonic relationships?

 

Are you not wary of the fact that it could potentially ruin your marriage, that you have all the “backups?†just in case your marriage breaks down? Living in that type of state surely can’t be healthy for your marriage. And what’s this about “solar flares†am I right in assuming that you plan to cheat on your wife?

 

This is a premeditated scandal if I ever did see one!

 

I find most men find it difficult to accept that his partner has male friends. However, those that say they don’t generally don’t like you talking about your male friends, it sort of brings it all home to them. Someone once told me that men and women are in capable of having friendships without an ulterior motive…that’s a load of $%#@.

The only men who are incapable of having platonic relationships are Somali men!

 

(And you know this MAN...!)

 

Lol

[Xafsa]

Originally posted by ofleh:

]So it would have been better if a female had posted this? I don't understand.

[/QB]

She was talking about you referring yourself to a "dick in a bottle" not about you being a male.

[Faarax-Brawn]

^He didnt say it parse that he was the D!ck in the GLASS'.

 

He rather quoted a very LOUD and OBNOXIOUS comedian.

 

Bro don't look for life philosophies in a comedy programme.

Sound Advice; especially from CHRIS ROCK.

[Castro]

Dacowo is quite right; the topic had a promising start. But as shankroon already mentioned, if you're married what on god's green earth are you doing looking for something more in your platonic relationships?

That's a personal issue I'm dealing with. It's not that I'm "looking" for something but I'm reflecting on what's out there.

 

The only men who are incapable of having platonic relationships are Somali men!

I disagree. And here's why:

 

Columnist: Men who like women

By Aaron Vehling

 

You are a young heterosexual woman with heterosexual male friends just like many of your female contemporaries. You and your male friend are solely friends, right?

 

Probably not.

 

It's usually not possible for men simply to be friends with women because most of the time there is an attraction factor in that allegedly platonic dynamic.

 

The attraction level can vary, obviously, as not every guy wants to toss his female friends onto a La-Z-Boy and shag them.

 

With some female friends, the guy may just find them to be entities of cute or sexy disposition. With others, the guy may actually fantasize about the sexual prowess of his unsuspecting friend.

 

Regardless of how much involvement the pelvis has in the relationship, there are really only two possible situations where a male-female relationship is solely platonic.

 

First, the guy is a homosexual. Second, the guy genuinely does not find the woman attractive.

 

There is a popular theory, The Ladder Theory, formalized by Jared Whitson, from which I have derived some of my credence.

 

The Ladder Theory is centered around the fact that guys rank female friends with whom they would like to have sex based on specific criteria.

 

There are essentially three criteria - looks, estimated chance the girl will put out and another category the author specifies as "other," which includes any other traits that appeal to a particular guy.

 

To better explain the Ladder Theory, here is a theoretical example.

 

Bob meets a girl named Jane. Then, at some point thereafter, he meets a young lass named Connie.

 

On the surface, this is simply one guy meeting two separate women. But when you dig deeper, an enchanting truth is revealed.

 

When Bob meets Jane, he assesses her based on the aforementioned criteria. He then ranks her, based on those criteria, on a metaphorical ladder.

 

When Bob meets Connie, he does the same assessment, but this time he has someone to compare her with and discovers he likes Connie better than Jane. Thus, he places Connie on a higher rung than he did Jane.

 

Essentially, Bob is saying "I would like to have sex with Jane, but I really wanna have sex with Connie."

 

My theory is less sexually oriented, but the ranking system does make a lot of sense.

 

The second instance of platonic friendship in my model is contrary to yet another relational theory, presented by Billy Crystal in the infamous 1989 film "When Harry Met Sally."

 

Crystal's character, Harry, said the guy always wants to have sex with his female friends regardless of how they look.

 

But my theory asserts that if the guy is attracted to his female friend, a mere friendship is not possible. If he feels no attraction, the core of the dynamic is effectively similar to that of a homosexual male-heterosexual female friendship.

 

A friendship is only possible between a guy and a gal if the guy does not find the woman attractive.

 

My contemplation on this theory prompted a recent assessment of my own friendships with women.

 

What I determined matched my theory entirely. I am attracted to almost every female friend of mine on some level.

 

For the friends I am not attracted to, the relationship is quite different from my relationships with those I do find attractive.

 

When I spend time with an attractive female friend, I am in a terribly platonic mood until a series of moments when the drive kicks in.

 

From that point, I think to myself "I know she's just a friend, but she's also incredibly hot," or it could even get to the point where I declare in the hippodrome inside my head that I need to figure out a way to transcend my friendship with the girl.

 

Interestingly, this theory does not apply to the woman's feelings toward the man.

 

Women are more capable of transcending the boundaries of aesthetics and sex than men when it comes to friendships.

 

They may value the platonic relationships with their male friends to such an extent that they do not realize the guys are attracted to them.

 

But ladies, ask yourself this: If you stripped naked and requested sex from your male friend, or if you simply initiated a heated make-out session with the lad, would he object? Would he kindly say to you, "I'm sorry, but I value our friendship too much," or would he comply without any hesitation?

 

Chances are he would pounce on you out of pure animal instinct.

 

But ladies, don't let this news drive you to be unnecessarily paranoid. The guy is not actually going to make a move on you.

 

You can live the rest of your lives as "friends" with those guys, enlightened by this information, without any male ever aware of your astuteness.

[Castro]

Are you not wary of the fact that it could potentially ruin your marriage, that you have all the “backups?†just in case your marriage breaks down? Living in that type of state surely can’t be healthy for your marriage. And what’s this about “solar flares†am I right in assuming that you plan to cheat on your wife?

Sure. I am cognisant of the implications. However, friendships (good ones) endure moving, marriages and other social engagements. Some of my friendships are 15 years old. Much longer than both my marriages. But that's just details.

 

This is a premeditated scandal if I ever did see one!

I wouldn't go that far. Premeditation involves tactical planning. I'm more of a "spur of the moment" type of person.

 

Cheers,

Ofleh

 

P.S. If you find me completely amoral and repulsive, that's ok. While I don't plan to come across that way, I understand where your perception might come from.

[Viking]

Originally posted by Psycho_Sue:

Someone once told me that men and women are in capable of having friendships without an ulterior motive…that’s a load of $%#@.

The only men who are incapable of having platonic relationships are Somali men!

Sue,

That sounds like something I would say, but I don't think you heard it from me

 

Why would a man have a female "friend" or vice-versa and what would this friendship mean? Is it going to movies (one on one), go to a bistro for coffee and chat for hours, taking a walk down the sea-shore or having dinners and lunches whenever possible?

 

This kind of relationship could only be 'sustained' if one person has an interest in the other; there is no other way they could be friends and just hang about!

 

It is not only Somalis that have a problem with this type of relationship but ALL Muslims because the Prophet SAWS said that...

 

"Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third." (Hadith Al-Tirmidhi 3118 Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab)

 

 

According to Islam, this kind of relationship is forbidden. But westerners usually have these type of relationships with the opposite sex and the unaware person sees Somalis as being "backward" or "uncivilised" because they shun it.

[STOIC]

This kind of relationship could only be 'sustained' if one person has an interest in the other; there is no other way they could be friends and just hang about!

I don't agree with the above assumption Mr.Viking.Yes we men "undress" women mentally at the first eye contact but i doubt if there is any interest once we draw the boundry line.

[Valenteenah.]

"a platonic friend is like a d!ck in a glass. In case of an emergency -- you break the glass."

Charmingly put.

 

Platonic friendships suit those who understand and accept the limitations of such relationships, I think.

[-Serenity-]

I dont want to be a guy's d!ck in a glass (how odd does this sound!! ), I want to be his lobster

[Castro]

Platonic friendships suit those who understand and accept the limitations of such relationships, I think.

Amen!