Single Motherhood

[nafta]

I would like to start this topic first because so far we have talked about the various topics that could be brought to discussion but not one of us have actually acted upon it. So I would like to open this thread by means of discussing at least on of the topics suggested. Both Sexes can debate and put their thoughts down, but please keep it civilised and stick to the topic.

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Sinlge Motherhood

 

This topic really interests me as this is something that happens in society more frequently and also affects more and more Somali women nowadays.

For a lot of Somali women today being a single mother is a reality, and one that not many of our mothers had to face. If someone of our mother’s age was a single mother, it was generally due to a death or a scandal, and not a way of life brought on by divorce or choice when the father of the child was deemed unsuitable for a lifelong romantic partnership.

Why this really caught my attention is because I work with this organisation that assists Somali people with their employment and educational needs and other problems as well. The majority of the Soomaalida that make use of this service is women. Sinlge Somali mothers. I thought that it was pecualiar, but what I thought was more amazing was the fact that most of them had parted with their husbands.

Bear in mind that this organisation is based in the UK and that most of these women are women that have moved to the UK from other European countries. Their husbands remained in those countries and the two have rarely any contact. This leaves the woman to do everything and they usually have 4-5 children all very young.

Everyday I see the strain and the difficulties they go through and not a single sight of the husband that was supposed to take care of them.

Now we know that these western non-Somali women who seperate from their husband can get married to another person if they wish to do so, but mostly this is not the case for Somali women (as I have noticed), because where would they find the time in between the cooking and feeding the kids, and trying to bring them up in a good manner?

Have Somali men abandoned their responsibilities and duties as husbands or is because we are living in western cultures unavoidable that we take over certain traits?

Most importantly how do YOU view Single Motherhood?

 

Okay people let's do some constructive debating

[lol]

Horta Nafta Salaam sis... it is true that somali women are faced with this pedicament more often lately than previously. And in my opinion I believe couple of things lead to the change in the divorce rate in the Somali generations of the 20th century. They are

 

Firstly Somalis have moved to the west far away from any elder that was there at the time of their marriage or a parent. So when there is a problem, mostly in our parents time, their parents or elders used to intervine and do what u call " Canaan"... to the girl, " Naa reerkaada dhaqo waad edebdaran tahaye".. to the man.. " war ninweyn ayaad tahay ma naag baad la tirsaneysaa, war orodoo caruurtaada korso". U c in this manner their problems used to be solved, and they stayed together regardless of wat. But now the situation has changed. There are no elders to interfere, or if they are there, then they are given the cold shoulder and not taken their advice is not respected, and their canaan becomes " wax la dhibsado".. and that is really sad.

 

Secondly, its Somali women to blame mostly because they took over the man's role in the family. A somali woman got the misconception of independence. They believe that if they let their husbands sit on the back bench and they lead, life in the west would be much easier. Which is wrong at their parts, coz a man is a man regardless of where he is. And a woman should let her husband do his duty and not take over his role. Sorry to say this sisters but its the truth. Why should the woman, take her kids to school or hospital when her husband is around? Allah has already defined a woman's role and I believe she should take care of the duties in the house. And only when the need arises should she work. Its the man's responsibility to feed his family so why not give him the chance to do that?

 

And thirdly ofcourse there are men who are useless and would be a crime to even label them as "nin" who don't even know what their kids had for lunch. Although I believe the number is too minute to be mentioned.

 

I guess that is my take on the situation.

 

As far as How do You view single motherhood is concerned, I think its a misfortunate phase to be lived by any woman, coz Allah made them each for the other so that they can help each other in raising their kids, and if there wasn't a need for any one of them , then He won't have created them. So my sister I think Single Motherhood is something " Laga duceysto" and the mother who is single I would say to her " Ilaaheey ha kuu fududeeyo waa dhibantahaye".

[x_quizit]

^^TM...shocking to blame it squarely on the women, needless to say I respectfully disagree and these are my reasons...

 

Single moms are truly the most put down women in our society and its a shame because contrary to many beliefs most haven't asked for that burden.They are the true backbone of society, the pillar of strength, dealing with an impossible situation of being in a new country and adjusting to it all the while dealing with society pointing fingers at them...

 

TM- to respond to ur first point, how back home ppl weren't allowed to easily leave a marriage, I actually prefer that someone isnt there forcing me or guilting me into staying in an unhappy union, if God has allowed me the choice of divorce, why should my culture be in the way? Im not saying, divorce at the 1st sign of trouble, but theres only so much someone can take and who is society to stand in the way....i believe that old mentality of basically forcing a couple to stay together is unhealthy, not only for both mates, but their children as well...u only have to look at stats to show ya how kids growing up in abusive homes end up...(not just physically but mentally)...

 

Ur second point-about blatantly blaming the women and not once contructively criticising our male counterparts strikes me as narrow minded...and no, i do not buy the notion homes are breaking up because women are competing with men...they are breaking up because men have lacked what it took to step up to the plate....ex..-moving to the west..being on welfare...the husband thinking why settle for being a taxi driver when i can be CEO, therefore refusing any job that would feed his family b/c his pride is in the way....and what some have resorted to, is wasting their time on unworthy endeavors, such as khat meetings aka coffee shops 9-5, as if it was a full time job...neglecting their wives not to mention the children...now the woman is left at home, taking welfare, raising 6.5 kids, worrying about the bills, their food, cleaning the house, while the husband is MIA....now...thats one example of whats happening to many families....resulting in kids being raised by a single mom that is forced to seek employment in order to better the lives of her kids....and it truly makes me sick to see ppl who blame them for only doing their job...

 

Now...about women who choose to work....if a husband would leave his wife for that...not her fault....we are allowed to pursue education and work, and i challenge anyone to show me a household in the disapora who can live on one income w/o depriving themselves of many opportunities and a better quality of life....being that the average somali family is over 5 kids, how can one income cover that, not to mention bills, their food, clothing, etc....thats a heavy burden on the husband and its commendable those striving to do that on their own, but do not shun the sisters who wanna help out their mates and relieve some of the stress....which leads to them often working overtime...no time with family...and how is that beneficial at the end of the day?

 

..the repercussions of absentee fathers can be seen today, in the many male youths joining so called gangs and needlessly taking each others lives, drinking, dropping out of school...and thats b/c a solid father figure isnt around, not just those that have separated from their wives, but those that are still married to them yet not fulfilling their role...thats the true shame....

 

p.s.-i can almost understand the psyche of the modern somali man that grew up back home...there, he enjoyed a life where he had a decent living, that was enuff for the fam, had a wife at home, maids to see to their needs, almost stress-free lives...and to come here, learn a new language, be forced to take a job that back then would have been laughable to them, can be humiliating, being that their status is demoted....but one must suck it up...no one asked to be here, and thats the price we pay for civil war...

 

Peace

[- Femme -]

Assalamu Alaikum

 

It definelty takes two to break up a marriage.

 

Great topic Nafta (<----Glad you took the initiative )

 

I'll have to come back to this after my exams inshallah.

[juba]

very good topic nafta! it is definantley somehting that concerns our generation more and more.

 

"Have somali men abandoned their responsibilites and duties as husbands...

thank allah this is not a big problem in somalian culture as it is turning out to be in other cultures. Somali husbands are still largely involved with their families. But i do see a dissapointing decline. A lack of jobs for this unskilled somali men and the frustrating new life of the west would be ovewhelming to anybody. Having to see your children losing their culture and being shaped into americans could result in further hate of their lives at present in the west. But running away is not the answer. Sadly some somali men take the choice.

 

"How do you view Single Motherhood"

i feel utter compassion for these strong willed women to carry on in the face of hardship. Their will to carry on without the help of a man is not a show of independece as TryMe said, but basic necssacity. Single Motherhood is not only hard on the mother but on the children aswell who have to grow up without a father figure in their lives which is equally important. In my opinion it is a broken family and not how Allah willed it. But these mothers really make up for it by raising outstanding kids who raise even better ones.

[Wiilo]

Nafta very very excellent topic and thanks for taking the initiative, and as much as I want to join the discussion, I have finals now, but I'm going to get back to this after the finals insha Allah in the meantime continue dicussing/debating the issue.....

 

 

Wabillaahi Towfiiq:...........

[Alle-ubaahne]

I wonder if everybody in this forum is a student! Why can't you guys think about the real Exam, and prepare for it now before death comes to you?

 

Just questioning your worldly exams, ok.

 

[Sophist]

Single mother/father!!! the phrase has something extremely iffy about it.

[NGONGE]

The issue of Somali single mothers is a very thorny issue. However, in the west, the single mother phenomena is not the preserve of Somali mothers only, everyone suffers from it (some do well out of it).

 

The “problem†if a problem it be called, is strongly linked to the environment and culture we live in. I fiercely dispute the argument that this is due to an inherent failing on the part of the Somali men. I believe it to be more to do with social conditioning (of both men and women) and societal influences.

 

Nonetheless, it’s something that exists and is far from ideal. I’m neither a social scientist nor a psychologist; so don’t expect any statistics or theories. These are my very own opinions on the subject.

 

I believe that many Somali men and women go into marriage without thinking about the way that union encroaches on their freedoms. They get a shock once they find out that they’re responsible for and answerable to their spouses. The thought process goes something like “ I just managed to get away from the grip of mummy and daddy, why is this woman/man trying to control me?†I also believe that the later in life you get married the higher the chances of divorces and misunderstandings. My argument being that the longer you’ve been single, the more protective of your freedom that you become. The whole thing is about responsibility and the ability to concede some ground. Some men, in order to regain some of that lost freedom, will revert to the stereotypical image of a Somali man. “I’m man of the house and what I say goesâ€. Some women, in order to regain some of that lost freedom will copy the chat show message “You’re sexist and I’m going to do what I like and see what you do nextâ€.

 

There is also the romantic image of a single mother for women to see. A woman stuck in a marriage where she feels she’s being controlled by a megalomaniac husband, will look at the various single mothers around her and see how “free†they are and the idea of becoming a single mother herself will not sound that bad. In fact, many married women don’t see a problem with single motherhood. It’s the norm. It’s not big deal and depending on how the married woman feels at the time, she might even think, “I don’t mind being a single motherâ€. Many men on the other hand, hate the idea of a single mother. For a start, they’re there, on their own, proving that women don’t need men in order to function! Then there are the “bad†single mothers who are running around doing everything they like and want! They’re what most married men hate the most. They try to influence wives, make comments and judgments about marriages and blame every man for their own predicament!

 

In the west, it’s a woman’s world. It’s a single mother’s world and we all have to fit in around their ways and norms.

 

 

PS

 

(This was written in a hurry).

[Passion_4_Fashion]

wadanada westernka bey ku bateen single mother/father....and it's to do with our culture n religion fading away s-l-o-w-l-y unfortunately

[- Femme -]

There is also the romantic image of a single mother for women to see.

There is nothing remotely "romanitc" about single mothering. It is one of the hardest jobs and least appreciated and recognized. I heard someone once say that single motheing is a form of "oppression", and I agree. Its a hard life filled with obstacles and problems.

 

Plainy, IT SUCKS.

 

And any women or man who thinks otherwise is mental or incredibly ignorant.

 

----

What single mothers desperatley need to learn is money managment.

[Ibtisaam]

Great topic Nafta!

 

Just the other day this young lady comes to my house with her little girl who was 6 yrs old. So the little girl and I was watching some TV so I started talking to the little girl, just asking basic little things, then I asked her so "How many brothers and sisters have you got" and the little girl replied "No am the only child, I haven't got any siblings" and she went on saying "But you know what abaayo all Muslims are my brothers and sisters". When she said that, wallahi she touched my heart, and I felt so bad for asking her such a question. And later on it turned out that my gut feeling was right and that her parents are divorced. It’s so sad that little ones have to suffer the most out of this situation.

 

The issue of Somali single mothers can not be blamed on one gender only. Each case of Somali single mother case is different to another. In my opinion the issue of Somali single mothers is mostly blamed on the society that we come to live in, a society which has different culture, values, faith, law etc… Having said that, the Somali mothers come to the west from a country which they were given less voice, and freedom to a country which support them in almost each and every single way and gives them far more freedom then they got back home. Since coming to the west like TM said Somali women started taking over the men’s role in the family in terms of working and bring the money home. They have this thing that if they work and are bring the money home in ee tahay “hormar†like as if they status have all of the sudden sky rocketed and that all of the sudden they went from being “No one†to “Somoneâ€. Since when did being a mother or a house wife become something that is degrading oo laga faano?. In my opinion that is the greatest thing that a woman could ever be is a mother. Rasing and stirring her kids to the right path. If both parents went to work and come home at the same time who is there to look after the kids? That’s how caruurta ku dayacmaan, yaa la iska dayacin caruurta bari kamaan waa lugu su’aali doonaa. And if there is a need for the wife to be working then the husband and wife must figure out a way where they both can work and still be looking after the kid’s i.e she works during the day and he works during the night.

 

As for the husbands they are equally to be blamed. They are not doing there jobs as husbands right. The wife is left to play both the father and the mother role. Some of the husbands do not go out of they way to seek a better paying job where their wife are not forced to be working. Somali man they have a tendency where they don’t like in ee is dhibaan, they like taking the easy way out of things, they don’t mind being a labour worker or a taxi driver. They have every opportunity at their feet to be anything they want, but no they choose not to take advantage of what’s given to them. They rather choose to be sitting at the maqaayad and talk about a never ending Somali politics and useless talks. Rather then getting educated and being at home where their family needs them. They should spend quality time with the family do something as a family like go out to the park, take the family to the zoo or the equorum. And the other thing is some husbands do not treat their wife with respect, he treats her like as if she is nothing, he does not include her in household discissions basically he does everything according to the way he wants. And that is disrespectful to the wife.

 

Some of the things I mentioned are what I’ve witnessed and come across which broke families apart. It seems that lately divorce is no longer resorted to being the last option but rather the first. And that is really sad wallahi; divorce is not something to be taken lightly.

 

How do I view single motherhood?

It’s a terrible thing, something laga duceeysto ilaahay ha naga haayo.

[Tuujiye]

Single mother tii aheed T.O ayaa laagu faana..Single mother waa laga badalay hada, CARAVAN ayaa loo bixiyey..maxaa yeelay kuligood baabuurkaas ee ku xaragoodaan nooh...lol..

 

wareer badanaa!!!

[Alle-ubaahne]

Ibtisaam: Thanx indeed my young sister for sharing us with your helpful experiences.

 

Single Motherhood! As I see the context of this very serious discussion, I recalled a great picture of a young kid that I saw in one of the newspapers I used to read several years ago, The Boston Globe or The New York Times. He was a young kid, walking his way to the School. Carrying a bookpack on his back, you can see another kid with his father walking happyly towards the School. On the sides were school buses appearingly dropping other kids going to the school.

 

This kid was quoted saying something that I will never forget in my life, "Hadaan guursado, Naagteyda ma furaayo, Qaladka uu aabahey sameeyay dartiisna ciyaalkeyga uma dhibaatoonayaan". That is saying like I will never divorce my wife, and the faults of my father will never be something that my children will suffer from.

 

Divorce is a tragedy. Children can never afford bearing on that tragedy. Let's save our kids from such miseries. And let no one see divorce as an option or alternative from a problem.

[Qac Qaac]

u can't blame it all to one side... both have their mistakes...

 

I agree with Try me..

and with simply the best.. our religion is fading away.. men don't do their things. women compete in the name of free education.. hell broke loose..

 

solution back to islam..

 

I wonder what is the divorce rate of the somalies..