Single Motherhood

[Sakina]

Most of the single mothers are doing a superb job. May Allah help them and reward them for taking the role of a father and a mother and raising excellent children, the future somali generation. While unfortunately not many somali men are doing much about raising their children in an islamic way. From what I was told even back home the mothers were more active in raising the children than the men. I met some students that told me they've never being raised by their fathers that they were raised by uncles, aunties etc.Maybe is dhaqan (culture) who knows.

[Qac Qaac]

uncles are somali male..

[Gediid]

X-Quizit said

 

TM- to respond to ur first point, how back home ppl weren't allowed to easily leave a marriage, I actually prefer that someone isnt there forcing me or guilting me into staying in an unhappy union, if God has allowed me the choice of divorce, why should my culture be in the way? Im not saying, divorce at the 1st sign of trouble, but theres only so much someone can take and who is society to stand in the way....i believe that old mentality of basically forcing a couple to stay together is unhealthy, not only for both mates, but their children as well...u only have to look at stats to show ya how kids growing up in abusive homes end up...(not just physically but mentally)...

I agree but that also will mean more single mothers.Its a catch 22 situation.But I think more of the divorce cases in our society are by nature not what you mentioned above but rather men or women simply walking out on trivial issues that in the past were shunned upon.

 

Ur second point-about blatantly blaming the women and not once contructively criticising our male counterparts strikes me as narrow minded...and no, i do not buy the notion homes are breaking up because women are competing with men...they are breaking up because men have lacked what it took to step up to the plate....ex..-moving to the west..being on welfare...the husband thinking why settle for being a taxi driver when i can be CEO, therefore refusing any job that would feed his family b/c his pride is in the way....and what some have resorted to, is wasting their time on unworthy endeavors, such as khat meetings aka coffee shops 9-5, as if it was a full time job...neglecting their wives not to mention the children...now the woman is left at home, taking welfare, raising 6.5 kids, worrying about the bills, their food, cleaning the house, while the husband is MIA....now...thats one example of whats happening to many families....resulting in kids being raised by a single mom that is forced to seek employment in order to better the lives of her kids....and it truly makes me sick to see ppl who blame them for only doing their job...

I wish that was the case but most single mums we know of end being a burden on the welfare system which makes me think that the cab driver would have raised those kids on his blood and sweat instead of welfare.That I beleiev is more honarable and great for the childs self esteem.

 

Now...about women who choose to work....if a husband would leave his wife for that...not her fault....we are allowed to pursue education and work, and i challenge anyone to show me a household in the disapora who can live on one income w/o depriving themselves of many opportunities and a better quality of life....being that the average somali family is over 5 kids, how can one income cover that, not to mention bills, their food, clothing, etc....thats a heavy burden on the husband and its commendable those striving to do that on their own, but do not shun the sisters who wanna help out their mates and relieve some of the stress....which leads to them often working overtime...no time with family...and how is that beneficial at the end of the day?

I know of many who have been raised in the west on primarily one income,that of the husband but thats not the issue here.Most of the conflicts that lead to a break up of a home do not evolve around work and education as you have suggested.Majority of the single mums we see today do not pursue education nor do they hold top notch positions in fortune 500 companies.Instead they work in entry level jobs in malls that can not even pay for the diapers of a child.

 

..the repercussions of absentee fathers can be seen today, in the many male youths joining so called gangs and needlessly taking each others lives, drinking, dropping out of school...and thats b/c a solid father figure isnt around, not just those that have separated from their wives, but those that are still married to them yet not fulfilling their role...thats the true shame....

This I agree with you whole-heartedly.Young boys have to have a father figure to emulate,to fear and to respect to grow up and be productive members of society.

 

One final note I wish to add here.I think women need to step up to the plate big time.Behind the small squabbles Somali women need to recognize that they possess enormous strength which we men have not been blessed with,the strenghth to nurture,to sustain and to develop a perfect family.If that goes then with that goes the whole principle of what we Somalis percieve familyhood.Women are after all the brains and the power behind a successful family.

[lol]

X-quizit: Much of what i wanted to say, has been said by Gediid, May God bless him and us. However sis/bro, Somali women are to blame majoritywise. Let me tell u something a very close friend of mine told me..He is married now and he is the sole breadwinner of the family. He has a daughter and with them lives his sister-in-law. He told me, You can never believe it but my salary which was not enough for me when I was single is more than enough for my family. Sister/brother Allah blesses whatever u have so that it satisfies you. He will bless u with something called " Iimaan" if you are in a marriage that is faithful and pure. Yes it is true u will not have decent life on a single salary in the west but u actually can if u know how to manage ur account and time. I have seen many that did it, why not you?

 

And mind you, a somali man is too proud to beg someone else if he can help it. Majority of the men we see today are complaining that his wife wants to get welfare so she suggests that they fabricate a lie about them being separate just to earn an extra cash on the side for her Dirac. And this in turn opens a slit for Sheydan to do his work much smoother, coz the woman sees this as an ability to be independent of her husband. And when that feeling comes into play sorry to say, most Somali women think that they can stand against their husbands and challenge them because they are standing on a leveled ground. But then when the challenges get too much for the man to handle, exit is the only option he is left with. Ofcourse there are men who are useless and are looser but that doesn't necessarily define somali men, coz their number is too small compared to the rest.

 

Single Motherhood is not an easy job, and I don't think any woman should run to it, rather she should do all that is in her power to prevent it from happening. And like I said, Its a curse.

 

As for staying in the marriage b/c of the family......well nowadas u find couples divorcing each other because of a TV remote.. believe me I saw it... so sis/bro don't u think they need someone to read some sense into them?

[MR ORGILAQE]

Anyone here a single mum?.

[Jacaylbaro]

U mean ,,,, may be the topic starter ????

 

I don't think so , , , , , , ,

[Passion_4_Fashion]

QQ - u will be suprised about the divorce rates within our ppl.....I honestly do believe that the religion is the problem solver.....sadly many don't think that way QQ.

[- Femme -]

I wonder what the statistic for single mothers would be: Divorce vs. Widowhood (how many widows did the war create?)

 

P.S. Jacaylbaro...what a hideous face! And you dare call yourself Jacaylbaro....

[x_quizit]

Gedid, believe it or not, I do agree with most of your points and its just a dif example of what's happening in our society...and TM...i understand about the idea that God will bless us with what HE wants us to have, which we can't change...but my point was....i don't advocate for divorce on something trivial,and should be a last resort, as it is the most hated thing in our religion...but im talking about real issues that are often taboo in our culture, for ex. abuse...women are usually told, go back to the man, work it out...when in reality, the fault lies with the man and he should seek help if he wants his family to last....so what would u advise that woman? stay in an unhealthy relationship just so she won't be gossiped about or advise her to seek better alternatives....and yeah, there are examples of women causing break ups...but i disagree with the blame put on the women..

 

Yes...most single moms in the west aren't educated, but that is a problem that needs to be addressed....and just b/c she isnt, doesnt mean its better for her and her kids to stay...education and independence contrary to popular belief isn't the culprit in causing divorce, its the unwillingness of partners to compromise, work together for a common goal...and when one wants supremacy over the other, there lies the evil...

 

...to the point that u can live on one income...u can, but how well? doesnt mean u need 10 tvs in ur house, im talking basics....and why not put money into kids future education instead of living day to day? I agree with the notion that both partners can work, but once kids come into the picture, the mom or whoever is making less of an income can stay home with the kids until they reach school age....and then are free to pursue their careers at that time...so family won't be sacrificed...and face it...its hard living in the west and most ppl wouldn't need 2 incomes if they didnt have to....

 

peace

[Caveman]

Originally posted by Simply_the_Best:

....I honestly do believe that the religion is the problem solver.....sadly many don't think that way .

Well said “Simply_the_Bestâ€,

 

If you look at closely in every Somali family break up in Diaspora, the main ingredient missing is fulfilling and obeying the rights Allah(sw) has on the household.

 

The purpose of marriage in Islam is not pleasure, lust, love or any other human desires to fulfill our impulses but to continue and increase the Muslim community’s population and to produce righteous children who will obey Allah(sw), serve the people, and be a source of reward for their deceased parents. This goal could be achieved by making sure three sets of rights are maintained accordingly,

1) Rights Allah(sw) has over the Muslim Household

2) Rights of the Husband in the Muslim household

3) Rights of the Wife in the Muslim household.

But when actions are undertaken in a Muslim Household that is disobedience to Allah(sw), then we don’t receive His blessing and therefore end up with a corrupt community and society. As Muslims, we should not engage in something as important as marriage without a comprehensive understanding of the ensuing rights and obligations. There is “Qadar†for every thing in Islam, and we ought to believe in Allah(sw), so that if single mother/father is becoming common in our communities we shouldn’t blame Somali men for not recognizing their responsibility or Somali women for challenging and taking the man's role in the family. These assumptions are true for same, But I think there's a bigger perspective that might help make sense of all this perceived male-bashing and female-bashing for what are the true causes of single motherhood.

 

For the entire process of marriage to work and thrive as Muslims, our mindset of marriage has to change from one of pleasing ourselves to one of pleasing to Allah(sw) and befitting to him, Only then we can expect a life of contentment and happiness for future generations. In order to be successful in Marriage we should seek Allah(sw)’s blessing, should be proper and consistent with the teachings of the Qur’an and the Sunna.

 

 

Ps:

May Allah(sw) help marriage folks, its a daunting test for great majority of Muslims in Diaspora. Aamin

[Alle-ubaahne]

I never married, but I think single mothers will be my first stop because of the path our prophet has taken for the welfare of single mothers. We should embark on some couragious steps to bring the hopes of single mothers. I heard single mothers love young males who had no marriage experiences, and that is good for us. Why bother those flambouyent ladies who in the first place think that marriage should be something of western pretendency and extravagant wasteful spending just to showcase their unbecoming rich capabilities! Iga tag, koley aniga kuma jiro gabdhahaas speed-ka badan oo mooda aduunkuba inuu hal habeen yahay.

[juba]

Simply the Best

form what i read u seem to believe that divorce and therefore becaming a single mother is coming away form islam. That is not always the case. Some women have no choice but to divorce because their husbands are abusive to her or her kids. Sometimes its a last result. Allah wouldn't want us as women to suffer when we don't have to.

 

u have to remember that women don't choose to be in hard situations because they want to be more western but as neccessatiy for the wellbeing of their children

[Jurnee]

As Somalians i dont think you have to be divorced to be a single mother...i consider my mother to be a single mother even though she is married to my father but that is because he has another wife and another family. This is a major issue with our community because many men choose to remarry and arent able to divide their attention or finances between the two families so in most cases the newer family gets it all...not that im complaining, i think my mother did a great job with us and i wouldnt have wished it any other way.

 

I also know of many other families who are in this same situation...and for this i blame the men. Allah has made it halal for men to marry more than one wife but not if they will neglect one family...I just hope in time someone gets it right.

[QalQaali]

Execelent topic Nafta,

I truly believe our ppl are loosing their (IMAN), and with out IMAN comes break up of the family. What we need to do is stop copying from the gaalo exaples and follow the SUNAH of Nabi Mohamed (SCW)

 

 

FOX YAA HAYA IYO FUR CADE?

 

_________________________________________________

ALA WAYN NINKUU

AMINA AWOOD LEH.

[Jacaylbaro]

I have a solution if you don't mind ,,,

 

For these men who haven't married yet ,,, do you help these single mother by marring them ????

 

For the ladies ,,, would you allow your husbands to marry one of those suffering single mothers as a second wife in order to help your sisters ???

 

Hadii ay dhab idinka tahay ,,, wixii dambena ha la ilaaliyo oo yaanay dhicin in furitaanku uu xadkan yeesho ,,, si kuwii hore loo caawiyana haweenka la qabo waa inay u ogolaadaan nimankooda inay hal mid oo single mother ah la guursadaan si ay u caawiyaan oo aanay ku hinaasin ,,, ragguna ha ku tala galeen in hawl iskaa wax u qabso ah la bilaabayo oo nin waliba ha raadsado ta uu ku qanci karo ee single mother ka ah

 

Haye ,,, how about this idea ???