I absolutely agree with you. Our parents had to struggle to bring us to the West and they had to do whatever they needed to do to survive. However, for our generation not to honour that struggle and sacrifice and not want more for ourselves is a disgrace. I see so many young Somali kids getting married without a proper education or the financial means to support themselves, let alone a family. It’s almost the norm for them to get married young and then live off benefits. It never sees to amaze me how few members of our community consider these things before marriage. Marriage is hard enough, to compound that with immaturity, lack of education and poverty is irresponsible. I believe parents need to change their views on premature marriages and empower their children to want more for their future.

Nephthys...I agree with you, the husbands should be present at the birth. If they can make 'em then they should be able handle being present at the birth. Thats the least they can do right? I don't agree with all this 'keep it a mystery for the man' BS either. What mystery? I honestly believe when they attend the birth, a husband will truly appreciate his wives sacrifice and what she had to go through to bring his child into this world.

Zakinah, I'm encouraging her to be more independent. There is nothing wrong with having your own place and doesn't imply the person has lose morals! If anything, you learn how to fend for yourself and you'll appreciate how hard your parents had to work to pay the household bills. Anyways, its just a thought......

Sugar Love I can relate. My family have recently started pressuring me to settle down too. Whenever they mention it I just can’t stop laughing. My mom’s friends have also started to get in on the act too. Good Times. I don’t think you should get married because your family want you to. Marriage is a big step and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Some people are content in marrying someone they met a couple of times, while others need years to make up their mind. Do what is right for you. Marriage means compromising and not always getting your way. Every decision you make has to be made as a couple. Are you ready to take on all of that responsibility at this point in your life? I also think you should move out, if you live at home with your parents. Living on your own independently allows you to get away from all of that pressure and gives you perspective. You will soon find out there is no rush to get hitched, and you can relax. Also make a list of all the things you want to accomplish in your life, whether it is traveling, to learn a language or bungee jump. Start doing those things now and have fun.

Thanks everyone for ur advice. I honestly don't think counsellings would help me...if I was to ever get pregnant I would become extremely depressed and have a miserable time each day. I wouldn't feel happy at all, and probably will resent the child for putting me through such pain and discomfort. I don't think thats fair for anyone. I honestly think my best bet is to adopt at some point. If not, then it was not meant to be. AAliyah...I work in a hospital as a health care professional and have seen many women give birth. That only reinforced my views and fear. thanks

Faynuus...I don't understand what he is saying? My Somali is not that good. lol Only understood Hooyo

I would take a snakebite or flesh eating bacteria any day over going through 12 hours of pain!!! seriously, I have a very LOW threshold for pain. For example the other day I bumped into the coffee table at home and my leg hurt for days! I thought that was too much for me.lol Ibtisam, I can relate wid u. Only problem is c-section means major abdominal surgery = PAIN!! Not an option

Maryan I worked in a labor ward for a couple of months as part of my training but didn't enjoy it at all. I don't work there anymore, nor would I chose a career doing that type of work. Two months was traumatizing enough for me. I understand your views on women who want to have kids and cant. I agree having a child is a blessing...just don't agree with having to go through so much torture to get there.Also I don't really feel sorry for these infertile women..why is adoption a last resort for them. There are enough children who don't have anyone to look after them. What I don't get is way adoption such a taboo subject in our culture? Most people think that I'm crazy for not wanting my own kids, but as soon as I mention adoption they all laugh at me? Is this view confined to the older generation?

Its not that unusual...lots of women with tokophobia get a physical reaction to the thought of giving birth.

Hay everyone, I’m a new member and I’m glad to be here . Has anyone ever heard of the term tokophobia? Well, I came across that term today and it means fear of childbirth. I can tell u how happy that makes me feel. FINALY there is a term for how I feel I have never been the type of person who ever wanted to have my own biological kids, I’ll consider adoption maybe when I’m like 40yrs old...but getting pregnant and having a normal delivery is OUT OF THE QUESTION!!! :eek: I have always viewed pregnancy and childbirth with a great deal of disgust. The thought of having to carry a child for 9 agonizing months, feeling it grow and move is enough to make me want to projectile vomit :rolleyes: . I can’t even imagine going through the pain, humiliation and indignity of labor. Having your vagina stretched to an unimaginable size, having an episiotomy...oh and the pain to me is the stuff of nightmares. Seriously, I have no idea why women would put themselves in that position? My absolute worst nightmare is to get pregnant...I honestly don't know what I would do. So to prevent that nightmare ever happening, I will do whatever it takes NEVER to be in that position (multiple contraceptive methods, morning after pill just in case...the works). Why is a woman choosing not to have children such a taboo in our culture? It’s as if women are here purely to reproduce? Whenever I mention to my family that I don’t plan to ever get pregnant, they dismiss it and say ‘wait till you meet the right man, then you’ll change your mind’, or whenever I'm babysit my nephew they make comments like ‘its preparations for when she has her own kids’. What the F**** I am sick and tired of people trivializing my phobia...its genuine and not something I can simply get over...or want to for that matter. I made the decision not to have kids when I was 15 and I still feel the same way 10 years latter...if anything, the passing of time has reinforced my decision. How many of my fellow Somali sisters feel the same way? I surely can’t be the only one? P.S. Before you all say childbirth is a wonderful experience and I don’t know what I’m talking about, I should mention I have witnessed MANY childbirths as part of my job and I still feel the same.