Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on the first of April of this year? Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since m! y Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled ... "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little ******* !

Mom comes to visit her son Mxolisi for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Zodwa... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Mxolisi's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,she started to wonder if there was more between Mxolisi and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom' s thoughts, Mxolisi volunteered," I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Zodwa and I are just roommates." About a week later, Zodwa came to Mxolisi saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I' ve been unable to find the silver chutney jar. "You don't suppose she took it, do you? " "Well, I doubt it, but I 'll email her, just to be sure " So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I 'm not saying that you did take the chutney jar from my house, I 'm not saying that you did not take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Mxolisi Several days later, Mxolisi received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I 'm not saying that you do sleep with Zodwa, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Zodwa. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now. Moral of the Story..... Don' t Lie to Your mother...especially if she is African!

After studying law, Nyambose decided to move back to his home town of gaborone to open his own practice. The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to door, Nyamboze picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all while talking. "No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Nyamboze rattled off instructions. Finally, Nyamboze put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you, sir?" The man replied, I'm from Telkom, I've come to connect your line"

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them? She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, sister." "Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!

hehehe

there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. I think you need to re-phrase that statement, Allah (SW) doesn't need a rough draft, All he says is "be, and it becomes!" dear all please disregard this line, "there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece" i do not, under any circumstances wish to cause any offence, thanks

Corporate Lessons Corporate lesson A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity! Corporate Lesson A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have £1000. His mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the £1000. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to Prime minister Tony Blair. Tony was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy £20. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the £20 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows; "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through the government. As usual, those thievies deducted £980 for tax."

Marriage - Part I Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not." ************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no g ood in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" ****************************************** Marriage (Part III) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." ************************************** Marriage (Part IV) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake h im at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South Africa, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark, before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard....but no ark !! "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing withthe inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then South African Transport and Eskom demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Giant Spotted Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then Kort Broek of Environment Affairs ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many previously disadvantaged individuals I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the Trade Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.To make matters worse, the Customs and Revenue via the Scorpions seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to destroy the world?". "No", said the Lord. "The South African Government beat me to it!"

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists >found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the >conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one >thousand years ago. > >So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists >dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: > >"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibre, and >have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech >digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians." > >One week later, the newspapers reported the following: > >"After digging as deep as 500 metres, somailian scientists have found >absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their >ancestors were already using wireless technology."

How to break bad news At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem? "Um, Iam just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?" "That's the one." "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?" "Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?" "Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire." "What the.....!!!But theres electricity at te house!!!! What was the candle for???" "For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!" "Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

funny!! thanks

sorry... but it is not

so true