Q. Your riding a horse at full speed, a giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you and a lion behind you! What do you do??? A. You get your drunk @ss off of the carousel !!!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

I do want to see it some time, but don't know when it's gonna come on dvd, and where to buy it. lol, I know the mom is not really helping. Through out watching the trailer, I just felt this huge urge to smack that iidiot husband of hers. lol. Wax waalan.

Men don't grow up, they just know how to behave ones in a while My wife was having a go at me the other day. "Everything is just a massive joke to you isn't it?!" So I told her to sit down and calm herself down, that's when I pulled the chair away!

Shocking Kids know far too much these days. Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls immitating the doggy position. I bent down & told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing her up the @ss "

I saw a homeless guy holding up a sign that said "bet you cant hit me with a quarter", well played hobo, well played.

Has anyone seen this movie? It is absolutely ridiculously funny.

Looll, I haven't tried the earings with hijab. Don't know if it works for me, but will try it some time insha allah. I wear the headband on top of my scarf, but you could also try it in between, so you're headscarf stays the way it is, and you'll still see the headband. I honestly love to accessorize my headscarf, I don't like the plain look. Doesn't have to be over the top, just a small detail that'll make it more interesting than the usual look. I don't care how long it'll take to put it on. lol

I like her tutorials as well. Although for this video, I wouldn't have used a see through scarf.

Seriously, I stopped watching after the first minute

Aaliyyah, I've seen her tutorials, they're really good. I love those cute headbands on the scarfs, have loads of them.

@ Aaliyah lol you're right ... Btw I couldn't watch last video, cuz it's blocked in my country or sumfin But I got the idea. I love curls! (random comment) lol

Cover by Sean Rumsey + some girl Love the change in the end (Still like the original song more though)

Ducaysane;718196 wrote: In ay gabdhu xiiran tahaaba fiican looll, start the trend then. Adiga iska bilaaw.

^looooll, shaqo la'aan iyo nus

A boomerang is just a frisbee for people with no friends.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "why in the world do you need cyanide?" The woman said she needed to poison her husband. The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill ur husband! Thats against the law! I'll lose my license and they will throw us both in jail! Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police." The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and the pharmacists wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "well now, u didnt tell me u had a prescription."

Think before you say something! In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the professor, absolutely straight-faced, answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

*I Am My Own Grandpa* - wow ~Many, many years ago ~When I was twenty three ~I got married to a widow ~Pretty as could be. ~This widow had a grown up daughter ~With flowing hair of red, ~My father fell in love with her ~And soon the two were wed. ~This made my dad my son-in-law ~And changed my very life. ~Now my daughter was my mother, ~For she was my father's wife. ~To complicate the matters worse ~Although it brought me joy, ~I soon became the father ~Of a bouncing baby boy. ~My little baby then became ~A brother-in-law to dad, ~And so became my uncle, ~Though it made me very sad. ~For if he was my uncle, ~Then that also made him brother ~To the widow's grown up daughter, ~Who of course was my step-mother. ~Father's wife then had a son ~Who kept them on the run, ~And he became my grandson ~For he was my daughter's son. ~My wife is now my mother's mother ~And it makes me blue. ~Because although she is my wife, ~She's now my grandma too. ~If my wife is my grandmother, ~Then I am her grandchild. ~And every time I think of it ~It simply drives me wild. ~For now I have become ~The strangest case you ever saw, ~As the husband of my grandmother, ~I am my own grandpa!

1st level of insanity: talkin to yourself, 2nd level: getting into an argument with yourself, 3rd level: giving yourself the silent treatment because you lost the argument.

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO POLICE OFFICERS: 1. Are you Andy or Barney? 2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer. 4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 5. I pay your salary! 6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 11. When the Officer says "Gee Son ... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine." By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS: Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one. Question 2: Say it is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A associates with crooked politicians, and consults with anthologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B was kicked out of office twice sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening. Candidate C is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler And by the way, if you said yes to answer the abortion question, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a person think before judging someone. Remember amateurs built the ark ... Professionals built the Titanic. "Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special."

My girlfriend told me I was insensitive and I should see things from a woman's point of view. ... So I looked out the kitchen window.