Yesterday's news headlines: a homeless man fondled a Nun jogging at the park! Today's news headlines: Hundreds of Nuns are jogging at the park.

Did you hear about the X-ray specialist who married one of his patients? Everybody wondered what he saw in her.

A husband bought his wife an expensive gift for their wedding anniversary, so he rushes home and screams for his wife from the garage. Husband: Honey, today I will finally be able to make you happy. Wife: Why? Are you leaving?

Q: What is the difference between Genealogist and Gynaecologists? A: One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family Bush.

Q: Why did the undertaker bury his driving licence? A: because it was "EXPIRED".

Q: What did one Ghost say to the other Ghost? A: Do you believe in Humans?

Q: How do you know when a man is going to say something clever? A: he starts his sentence with "My Girlfriend Says".

Q: Do you know why they call it a Wonder Bra? A: because when you take the bloody thing off, you wonder where her double d's gone!

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? A: Because they don't have Balls to scratch.

Q:Why did the French woman put a make-up on her forehead? A:Because she wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.

A tourist arrives at Mombasa hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good champagne and a woman to his room. In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands a pretty lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks surprised, but invites her in. she says "You asked for a lady, didn't you?" he says "Well, yeah" so she begins to get undressed. When she is almost undressed, she stops and says "By the way, are you married or single?" he says, "I am married" so she immediately puts all her clothes back on. "What now?" the poor tourist asks to which she replies "We cater strictly for the needy, not for the bloody greedy."

A man was in court to divorce his wife. Judge: on which grounds are you divorcing her? Man: I don't care; it can be Highbury, Old Trafford or even Anfield all I want is to divorce her. P.S Highbury,Old Trafford and Anfield are soccer stadiums in England.

A man with red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." Oh dear! the doctor exclaimed, "What happened to the other ear?" and the patient said, "The same man called me back Doc".

A Japanese Hotel's sign read.. You are invited to take advantage of the Chambermaid.

a teenage son asks his Mom.. Son: Mom, Mother: Yes, my Son? Son:Why did God gave women boobs and nipples? Mother:to make suckers out of men my son. Son: so is my Dad a sucker? Mother: not only him sonny, someday you will be one too.

Originally posted by Jumatatu: cause it simply does not make a sense at all. I'm trying to figure out where the poem is heading to and the underlying meaning but it comes to nothing and goes no where. i am glad it didn't make no sense to you because i don't think i could handle a man bombarding me with Private and Sleazy messages claiming to be you know..so i am grateful for that... naona ume anza kutapika tena lakini wacha ni kwambiye kitu moja..mimi na prefer wasichana unaona and tafadali kumbuka that i am not from Lamu but Garissa so get a maisha sawa.

Originally posted by 7 of 9: IL CAPO , nice poem...but do tell, what has inspired you to write all these poems of love and heartbreak? I wish it was that easy to tell my Sister but let me just put it this way..my feelings inspire me and this girl that i love asmuch as i say i do also plays a major role in inspiring me to write all these things that i write about and for my heart. P.S Thanks for showing concern my Sister, i appreciate it. Peace.

It is very unfortunate for my heart to feel this way about you and sing your praises everywhere when you don't even show an ounce of appreciation of all the things I say or do for you but you know what wallaahi you have no idea how many girls would love to be in your position right now so I would say to them all the things I say to you and call them all the names I call you. Damn you Love for deceiving me, Damn you my Heart for betraying me and Damn you fate for setting me up. P.S Dear Admin..i would appreciate if you delete this topic and every one similar to it that i posted, it is just a waste of space. Thanks in Advance. Peace.

You said that I was the one thing that made your life worth living Every moring you would wake to see me even when we weren't together. you admired me from a far and wished that one day we could be. Over time your love grew day after day loving me more and more every single day I came along and brightened your life and everything around us times have been tough but we have gotten through them You said that i was so precious and special to you that it makes you love and adore me even more. I was the one you wanted to spend every single moment with till the end of our lives. things will change but we will travel those roads together. You said that you'd be there the entire time and support me. You said "I choose to love you even more and I will throughout eternity." I thought that we would grow old together remain madly in love forever have kids and make history togather you closed the book of our love before reaching the final chapter you put me through hell my Angel when all I ever gave you was heaven you broke the only pure heart that ever loved you trully how could you be so cruel to me? what have I done wrong my Love to deserve this from you of all people? why do you hate me this much? when only God knows how much I really love you..what happened to all the promises Malaika? why couldn't you keep them just like the way I keep mine? You once told me that you Love me but now, where has that love gone to Sweetness?...

I say Amiin to that PlayMaker .

A child goes over to his mother and asks, "Mom, what is an !diot ?" the mother says to her young son, "Son, go and ask your daddy outside" The boy runs outside to his daddy. Son: Dad, Dad, Dad Father: Yes, my son Son: What is an !diot ? Father: an !diot my son, is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange way that the other person who's listening to him can't understand him, so do you understand me my son? Son: no daddy and I know the reason why? Father: what is the reason my son? Son: because you are an !diot Daddy right?

An American, a Japanese and an Arab were relaxing naked in the sauna room, there was a beep, the American raised his wrist and the beep stopped, he said "Don't worry that was my office calling, I have a computer chip in my wrist". then a cellular phone rang and the Japanese guy touched the palm of his hand and the ring stopped then he looked at his friends and said "Don't worry guys that was my e-mail, I have a computer chip in my hand". The Arab guy made a swift move out of the sauna room, a couple of minutes later he rejoined his pals at the sauna room with a roll of toilet paper sticking out of his backside then he said to them "Guys don't worry, I am just waiting to receive a fax from my cousin in the desert because I have a fax machine chip up in my backside.

I would nominate ME,MYSELFand I as the prime minister of Somalia because i got something that Abdullahi Yusuf doesn't have which is....

Originally posted by Luis Garcia: Yes i would, even if it was about me I see u only have a short memory, who scored the fastest hat trick in the prem and against who? Robbie Fowler against the Gooners at Anfield in less than 5 minutes or so but what did you win that year? NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGG! While us the whole world knows what we have achieved last season and it was last season which i am referring to Mr Luis Garcia! don't forget we even won Championship at the same ground you call "Home" just like we did to Man Utd,Spurs(twice) and who else LIVERPOOL . we are comfortably sitting at the top of the table while you are languishing in mid table . remember one thing..Never has a nick name been more appropriate than now for the GUNNERS and we are gunning for everything RED including you know who .

Jay Kumi Na Moja, So you are from my old city then huh ? it feels good to have a fellow Garissan here. Bro, i went to County High too in 98' but unfortunately i was expelled after getting into trouble with a certain dame from NEP Girls whose daddy happened to be one of the top dogs in Gee Town. i am from Garissa Ndogo, Ngamia Rd area that is where i used to rule and cause all sorts of myhem. I know that man you are talking about and i know the cinema and the ice cream parlour too, infact around the ice cream parlour used to be my favourite hunting ground because girls love ice creams and i love girls . when was the last time you've been to Gee Town ndugu? it's been a while since i last set a foot there and about the sea part, well can you blame the brother for being proud actually too proud of his hometown and letting his pride get the better of him? . Una elewa what i mean. but someday in the near future Insha Allah i will be the top dog of that town and it is part of my dream and ambition to create a duplicate beach with everything including all kinds of fish and sharks and big big waves so that we could host Surfing competitions at my own beach :cool: . don't worry though,you will be invited and you can have the Presidential suit when i am not there Gee Town 4eva. Peace.