Why do men find the female breadwinner utterly terrifying?
By Sadie Nicholas
Last updated at 10:36 AM on 17th June 2008
Ask Cecile Burnett what would constitutes her ideal man and she admits that, above all, he must earn a six-figure salary.
Not, you understand, because she is mercenary or on a quest to be a kept woman. Far from it. She earns more than £300,000 a year as a hedge fund manager in London.
And therein lies the problem. Her eight-year relationship with the father of her two children, now age six and four, ended in 2006 because of the £200,000 pay gap between them, making her the main breadwinner.
Understandably, Cecile doesn't want to repeat such an experience again.
'Matthew's resentment of my success and earnings wasn't malicious,' says 36-year-old Cecile, who lives with her children in a five-bed detached villa in West London and drives a Mercedes.
'He reacted the same way as most men would in that situation. He couldn't handle not being the breadwinner.
'Men are raised to be the provider and protector. When their wife or girlfriend earns significantly more than them and doesn't "need" them financially, it undermines the traditional role they expect to play in the relationship.'
Cecile's experience as 'Mrs Breadwinner' is far from unique. In fact, four in ten women are now the main earner in a relationship, according to recent research.
Even model and TV presenter Melinda Messenger cited her role as the breadwinner as one of the reasons for her recent separation from househusband Wayne.
Cecile met Matthew in the City in 1998. Her career in a male-dominated investment bank was just beginning to take off.
Meanwhile, Matthew had a chain of properties he rented out and their earnings at the time were similar, just nudging six figures.
Cecile recalls: 'We were in love and soon had our first child. But the problems began after four years, when my earnings and bonuses rocketed.
'While Matthew struggled with my new role as the main breadwinner, I revelled in my disposable income. Suddenly I could afford to eat at some of the best restaurants, buy a more expensive car and fly first class if I felt like it.
'I'd want to go to an expensive restaurant for dinner and he'd either resent me for that or he'd say he couldn't afford it. If I offered to pay he'd resent that, too. It became the same with holidays and ****** everyday things like household expenses.
'I don't even think Matthew's resentment was based just on the fact that I earned so much more than him. There are a lot of men who feel insecure with the confidence and financial independence that women like me gain from having a successful career.'
The couple separated two years ago and the experience has made Cecile very clear about the type of man she will date these days.
'It's going to sound awfully snobby but I purposely avoid men who earn significantly less money than me,' says Cecile.
High achiever: Businesswoman Jacqui Cleaver
'What's the point in me dating a man who earns a fraction of my salary when I'd be setting myself up for the same old heartache?
'Even though some men are initially in awe of a successful woman with all the trappings of a big salary, the novelty soon wears off.
'Last year I briefly dated a guy who ran a bar in Shoreditch. He was great fun but our lifestyles were worlds apart.
'I've got a property in Spain and like to jet off at weekends or eat at exclusive restaurants but he couldn't afford it. I'm a generous person and I didn't expect this guy to always pay but he didn't always want to be paid for either.
'On another occasion I met a lovely British man on holiday in America. He was in the forces and keen to have a relationship when we got back to the UK but how could I? All I could foresee were problems because of the vast salary differences between us.
'Working in the City, it's not difficult to meet men. But I've found them a bit dull. I've recently joined a dating service called Lovestruck aimed specifically at professionals. I'm hoping this will make the process of meeting men with similar incomes simpler.'
So, does Cecile ever find herself pondering how her relationships, at least, might be so much easier if only she was a nine-to-five office administrator earning £20,000 a year?
'There are definitely times when my career goes against me because men feel intimidated by my success,' she sighs.
'But I've worked hard to provide a lovely home for my two children. I just wish I had as much success with my love life.'
Like Cecile, 36-year-old company director Diahanne Rhiney simply wants a man with the means to enjoy the lifestyle she loves and an ambition parallel to her own.
The daughter of a professional sportsman and an executive, Diahanne owns 15 Degrees, a marketing consultancy.
Her marriage to Galvin, a builder, ended last year after just 16 months, prompted by the £70,000 pay gap between them and their vastly different ambitions.
'The things that I loved about Galvin initially eventually became the things that irritated me,' says Diahanne, who lives in Essex.
'At first I'd envied his laid-back nature. As long as there was money to cover the bills he was happy down the local pub with his mates having a beer. He was content doing the nine to five and wasn't a workaholic like me.
'But eventually it set us at odds. Money gives you choices and, because of the pay gap, those choices were vastly different for each of us. I don't take my earnings for granted, which is why I continue to work very hard but, yes, there were times that I wanted to travel first class or dine in a top restaurant and Galvin didn't feel the same because he didn't have the same disposable income as I did.
'Men are very proud and don't feel comfortable with the idea of their partner being the breadwinner or paying for them all the time. But I'd worked hard and wanted to enjoy the fruits of my labour.
'It's not money that excites me, it's the choices it gives me to have a few luxuries in my life. I've got natural drive and ambition and my six-figure salary is just a by-product of that.
'My company is expanding and I'm in the process of opening another branch in America. I want to continue to work hard so that I maintain the choices that money brings.
'I'd love to have children one day and pass those choices on to them too so that I could afford to send them to private school, for example.
'Eventually it got to the stage where Galvin and I argued constantly because our outlook and lifestyles were so different. Like most men, Galvin was conditioned by society to expect to be the breadwinner and when that's not the case a lot of men simply don't know how to cope.
'It was very sad we separated but I realise now that relationships where the woman is the breadwinner by a considerable stretch seldom work.'
Now single, Diahanne observes that most of her similarly high-earning female friends are also struggling to negotiate the dating scene.
Career girl: Company director Diahanne Rhiney
'I'd love to marry again and have children one day. I feel ready to start dating again but I wouldn't entertain anyone who doesn't share my ambition and determination in their work and personal life.'
Sadly, Diahanne's experience is becoming an ever-common tale as a growing band of increasingly successful women climb up the career ladder and financial scale, leaving a trail of broken marriages and relationships in their wake when men resent losing breadwinner status.
Like Diahanne, Jacqui Cleaver thought she'd have children and grow old with John, her partner of seven years. That was until several promotions led her to earn £70,000 a year as an events manager in London - double his salary in a similar job.
'When we met age 23, we were both at the bottom of the career ladder and earning similar salaries of about £18,000,' says Jacqui, 31, who now lives in Bournemouth with new love James, 27, an RAF PT instructor.
'But I'm the daughter of a property developer and a hotel owner so it's in my genes to be ambitious.
'I fought hard, worked long hours and excelled at selling events to big corporate clients.
'John knew I was ambitious when we started dating, but the problems didn't really start until we moved in together after four years.
'Automatically, he expected me to fulfil a traditional role in the home and it exacerbated our differences. He expected his dinner on the table at night, his washing done and his shirts ironed.
'Meanwhile, I was working up to 80 hours a week. My philosophy was that if you wanted a great career and a big salary you had to go after them. His was that good jobs would turn up if they were meant to.
'Whereas my mum and all the women in our family are successful in their own right, John's mum was a housewife and his dad made all the big decisions.
'It didn't sit comfortably with John that I was the breadwinner. When I wanted us to move to a bigger house he refused because I would have been paying more towards the mortgage.
'I didn't mind at all, I wanted to do it for us. But he was adamant we were staying put until he could afford to pay half.
'Even holidays were a nightmare. When I wanted us to go to Barbados and he said he couldn't afford it, I offered to pay. He was furious. "I suppose you think you're better than me?" he yelled.'
Determined to redress the domestic balance, Jacqui admits that two years ago she made a concerted effort to arrive home from work before John and perform the role of homemaker.
'I wanted things to work and for John to realise that he was as much a priority as my career,' she recalls. 'I started work at four or five in the morning so I could get home earlier. But, as if to prove a point, John was never in when I got home. I'd call and ask: "Where are you, dinner's ready?"
'He'd be in the pub with his mates. It was like he was finally getting to live out the traditional male role he aspired to, sinking a few beers after work while I was playing the little woman at home making dinner.
Female breadwinner: Actress Julia Roberts earns a great deal more than her cameraman husband Danny Moder
'Eventually I couldn't take any more. John penalised me constantly for being successful.'
Jacqui was pondering this question when her mum became seriously ill after routine surgery at the beginning of 2007 and spent three months in hospital. In the wake of such an anxious time she re-evaluated her life.
'I'd been living the London life of long hours and a heavy social life for years, but when I saw my mum so ill I realised life was too short to put up with all the nonsense from John.
'So I resigned, told John I was leaving him and moved back to my parents' home in Bournemouth.'
Back in Bournemouth, Jacqui vowed to get fit, hired James as a personal trainer - and fell in love with him.
She also attended a hardcore boot camp in Canada which gave her the idea for a new business venture, New Beginnings, a boot camp manned by forces PT instructors just like James.
'It's my business, though James helps with it,' says Jacqui. 'He has his own fitness business, too.
'Eventually I'll be earning a lot more than James once New Beginnings evolves but I can't see it causing a problem. James understands the drive and discipline it takes to run your own business because he has those qualities too.
'We live together and have already fathomed a routine of taking it in turns to organise dinner, chores or shopping. We support and encourage one another in our ventures.
'Who earns what is irrelevant and I guess the one traditional thing about our relationship is that what's mine is his and vice versa with no resentment from him about my higher earnings.'
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