You knew it was coming right?
Well here's an email I've received from a friend AGES ago...
Mr I’m-So-Educated - LAME should be his middle name...
Usually we love an educated man, they are intelligent and ‘with’ the world. But Mr Educated has been left in a time wrap, back to an era when education was reserved for the privileged, those who could afford it and those who had the right connections (at least in the Western world we live in). He will constantly refer to 20th Century Philosophers and great Classical thinkers to try and impress you with his knowledge. His favourite past time is quoting from text books we have all at some point read or heard of at university or in general. Avoid him if you don’t want to be bored to death.
Mr Rich - As if...
Whilst we like a man that is financially stable, Mr Rich flaunts his wealth like Mr Educated flaunts his textbook knowledge. He is driving a new car every other month and talks so loudly on one of his many mobiles about his latest business transactions that everyone within a one mile radius can hear him. He buys women perfumes, gold and other expensive and highly inappropriate gifts very early on in the relationship. He will show up late, again with expensive gifts, when a simple courtesy call would have sufficed. Typically, he is incredibly busy and assumes a gift from every location he visits will suffice for his time & attention. Mr Rich has no respect for his woman he thinks money can buy affection. Avoid him. A cat is more of a companion than Mr Rich.
Mr Predictable - NO Guessing Needed...
As his name suggests, Mr Predictable does not have an original bone in his body to save his life, lest his DNA. He will have the same car as his friends, dress as he thinks he is expected to dress, say what he is expected to say & at the right cues, and laugh at all the appropriate jokes. He will follow other people’s advice on every decision he makes about his life. He will say what you want him to say. He will always agree with you. He will do the ‘safe’ thing. He plans his week with accurate minute detail, for example when he will have a shower and what time he will call his mother. He follows the flock. If you are expecting a spark from Mr Predictable, you will be waiting a long time, avoid him.
Mr Needy - All over you like a cheap shirt, war naga leexo meelaa kaneefsano na sii...
This man will tell you he loves you a week after he has met you. He will call you 10 times a day just to ‘hear your voice’. He will have made plans and booked out your weekends and evenings months in advance. He is usually ‘just in the same area’ on a number of suspiciously high occasions. Mr Needy has difficulty accepting NO, he doesn’t really like your friends. Mr Needy is defensive and often is short tempered, whereby a swift and prolonged apology follows. Mr Needy’s are scary men, avoid them.
Mr 'Romantic' - Xamdi Restaurant Here We Come
This guy has taken a note pad and watched every romantic movie on earth. He will arrive with red roses, a box of chocolate (nice) and will always have an over-used and clichéd phrase ready for you. Mr Romantic still uses a curler perm on his hair and uses mouth freshener before a date. He will take you to the same routine restaurants. He will recite popular poems to you that he deems ‘romantic’. Nothing that ever comes out of Mr Romantic’s mouth is romantic; he uses the same old lines, same old ideas of what it is to be romantic. Whilst we commend him for his efforts, Mr Romantic makes you cringe, avoid him.
Mr Married - Need I say more...
This Farax has realized at the tender age of 30-something that he really did not get the most out of his youth. He did not chase enough Halimos', did not attend enough parties and was sold short by marrying his first cousin given to him by Adeer Xaji. This man has an unusually expansive knowledge about the nature of Halimos’, this alone should raise alarm bells. He leaves his wife at home and roams parties and weddings, in search of an unsuspecting young Halimo to whom he will attest his singlehood until it is too late. Once he is discovered, he will manoeuvre quickly to explain to her that he will divorce his cousin-wife for the ‘woman of his dreams’. He will feed you sob stories about how he was forced, no longer loves or shares a bed with his wife. This is a lie. Mr Married will never leave his wife, and if in the unlikely event that he does, he will only stay with you until the next young thing comes along, whereby the whole process is repeated again. Mr Marrieds are a scar on our society's body, avoid them at all costs, and never let them get in the first word.
Mr Every Female’s Friend Wiilku gacmo dheeraa, hana taabanee na daa...
Close relative of MR Romantic, Mr Every Females Friend (EFF) will have you believe that he is ‘just friends’ with every female he cuddles, kisses, hugs and spends hours on the phone with. Mr EFF will have the same smile, the same acute attention & the same look that he bestows on his girlfriend for all his female friends. With Mr EFF there is nothing sacred or reserved for the woman he loves. Avoid him if you want to avoid a life of imposed insecurity.
Mr Mysterious Put on your Trench Coat...
We love an element of mystery in our men. This guy however, takes it to the extreme. He is vague about his background, his family, his job description and so on. He is very elusive and always changes the subject when it gets slightly personal. He will call you, you will not call him. He might instruct you to meet him at far away and obscure places. You might have known him for months but still are none the wiser of who or what kind of person he is. Mr Mysterious has some serious commitment issues and possibly psychological, even James Bond has more of a history. Simply avoid him, no one has that kind of patience.
Mr 'Religious' - No Comment...
We don’t usually diss religious people, we love wadaads that are honest and faithful. This guy however, subscribes to the ideals of Mr Wadaad but falls short of them. He will lecture against clubs, mixed events and what he refers to as ‘balwad’ such as cigarettes, Shiisha and Jaad. However, you can catch him having the occasional buff of cigarette/shiisha with his friends at a questionable venue, laughing with some good looking women, presumably ‘keeping his male friends in line’ or stepping out of a car that is blasting with the latest Acon/50 cent song. He will also give you speeches about the importance of giving up one’s time, being involved in the community & caring about the Ummah when he really can be found sleeping in on weekends, nearly missing Duhur prayer. Avoid his hypocrisy.
Mr Metrosexual Awhat, Awho, who stole my lip gloss...
This Farax has seriously over-subscribed into the notion of the new 21st century man. Not only does he watch The OC and Trinidy and Susannah’s how to dress show, he believes in the whole equality thing to the extend that you might as well be one of his male friends. He does not appreciate femininity. He expects his woman to go Dutch all the time. He will roam your beauty bag for the latest moisturizer and expensive lip conditioner you would rather not share. This man knows more about hair shampoos than you do. He will insist on a mini breaks during dinner so that you can both ‘freshen up’. He will fight with you for precious mirror spaces to be found in window shops, parked car side mirrors or the decorative restaurant lobby walled mirrors. He is a pain, avoid him.
Single ladies be warned!!!
I really didn't want to post it, but but but...Oh nevermind...
