A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him (as if that's not funny enough.......) . He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!” “Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what's the shotgun for?” “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua

Q: How do we know toothpaste was invented in Alabama? A: Because it’s not called teethpaste

Finestsista, I'm sorry to say this but,your "flex" on the second guy was kind weak. I only say this because thats the only time the words "minor" and "immature" come into play. But we all learn from our mistakes, right? Keep learning, sooner or later you'll have the game down cold and you can run the perfect "hoodwink" on an unsuspecting victim. As for Victim..err..I mean guy #1, you took that ride as far as it was going and you got of the bus. You shouldn't "feel" guilty about leading him on because "are". Try and build a guilt-proof scheme. as for him, the best you can do make him a "no fly zone"---> that means stay out of his airspace, the damage is done.

Shyhem, that was an excellent point and very true. Adrenalin make the heart pump faster which is the same effect sexually arousal has on the human body. Ladies, if any guy's ever asked you to sneak out of the house at 1am or ditch school so that you can go hang with him, you know that "I not supposed to do this" feeling fast heartbeat....nothing like it. But you know it isn't every guy who would ask you to do that. The nice guy will wait until you have time then you can get bored together....what was that about about good guys finishing last? Consolation note: To all the nice guys out there, when the women are done having fun and need a "stable" "dependable" man they know where you are so patience will eventually pay off.

Love cannot conquer all. Love may even be the root of all evil. Think of all the vile and dispicable things that have been done in the name of Love... > Kill for Love > Steal for Love > Lie for Love Don't misunderstand me, I have nothing against Love, it's a beautiful thing when taken in moderation. Like crack, it can be all-consuming and self destructive. Which is related to your other inquiry about bad boys. My Math maybe a little off but I can see some connection between your interest in bad boys and you hope that it can all work out for the best in the name of love. MY ADVISE TO YOU: All the advise in the world can't help you make up your mind. you only have one life to live. Do what you want and if it doesn't work out-> you can always apologise. Love doesn't conquer all, Successes, Faliures and corrections DO.

Jones==> Addict

A guy goes out with his buddy from work one night and gets trashed. He pukes all over his shirt and says "Oh man!! My wife's gonna kill me. she'll know for sure I was out drinking". "Relax" says his buddy, "put $5 in your top pocket and tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you 5 bucks for the cleaning". The guy thinks thats a great idea and continues drinking. He gets home that night and trys to sneak into the house. His wife turns on the light and yells "where have you been?...and what is that awful smell?" The guy throws off his shirt and explains "Some drunk guy puked on me and gave me $5 for the cleaning." The wife picks up the shirt and says "but there's $10 in here" "Oh yeah, he also sh!t in my pants"

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him unduemental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

The Texas rancher returned from a business trip to Dallas and was met at the station by the grizzled ranch foreman. As they were tooling back, the rancher asked the cowboy if anything special had happened while he was gone. "Not much," sez the cowhand, spitting a wad out the side of the pickup. "Good," grunts the rancher. "The dog died." "Ah, too bad. I liked that old hound. What happened, old age?" "Naw," sez the foreman. "Eating spoiled meat." "Well I be dipped. Where the hell did he get spoiled meat?" "From all the dead cows." "All the dead cows? How did all the cows die?" "When the barn caught fire." "Good Grief, man-The barn caught fire? How did the barn catch fire?" "From the house." "Man, what are you saying? What caused the house to burn down." "Caught fire from the drapes." "Drapes? Are you nuts, what did the drapes catch fire from?" "The candles at your mother's funeral." "Jesus Christ, how did my Mother die." "I guess she had a heart attack when your wife ran off with the ranch house cook.

Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Lady: I am 76 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: Then what? Little Old Lady: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him!

Nova, I guess that means you're confused and you need to sit down and think happy thoughts...

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

An woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?" The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds. "Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires. The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds. "Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer." And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."

Last name: ________________ (Check appropriate box) First name: First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know

Michael Jordan made over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averaged about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he slept 7 hrs a night, he made $52,000 every night. If he goes to a movie, he'll pay $7.00, but he'll make $18,550. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. In one year, he made more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? . . . BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through dinner the young man realized that he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. 'Spot,' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go. 'Spot,' she cried out sharply. I've got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll be fine. So he let loose a really big one. 'Spot,' shrieked the mother, 'get over here before he sh!ts on you.'

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." *Poof!* God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...And the intelligence... To cross this river." And *Poof!* God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man - Dum Gai Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!! Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone - No Pah King Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? You are not very bright - Yu So Dum I got this for free - Ai No Pei I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao? Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight - Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and weapons. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You never have "strap" problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.

The "plenty of fish in the sea" scenario is long dead. Do a little research and you'll see that the world population is leaning towards 5:1 ratio between women and men. In most major cities it's closer to 6 women for every man. Now if you deduct all the married, gay and loser guys, the math is not looking too good for you. As for cleaning the guy out, pre-nuptual agreements and so on. Most western courts of law don't recognize polygamy, so wife #2,3 and 4 are refered to as mistresses. For you to request for divorce and a settlement you have to take all that in to order and prove a lot of stuff ( legal fees...). You can't just decide you want out and get half, it doesn't work like that. Besides, any guy who wants to have more than one wife and puts himself in a position where you can clean him out, deserves to get cleaned out. But for all the fuss( positive and negative), isn't one more than enough?