An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

I would like my mama, the production team and the director......wait a minute-thats my Oscar speech...wrong speech. I want to thank those of who responded to my posts. To those who enjoyed them in private, You're welcome. If you're going about your business and remember one of these joke and just start giggling like crazy person, please don't blame me if you get fired. Keep the responses comming so that I know which ones you guys like....and if the joke sucks, I'm probably having a bad day.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. allready. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS: 1) WON'T BEAT ME UP 2) WON'T RUN AWAY 3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?" "Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away." "Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?" To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water. The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water. Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting. The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!" "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat." "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist." "Talk about a huge breast!" "It's Cool Whip time!" "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!" "Are you ready for seconds yet?" "Are you going to come again next time?" "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!" "Don't play with your meat." "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" "You still have a little bit on your chin." "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it." "How long will it take after you stick it in?" "You'll know it's ready when it pops up." "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!" "How many are coming?" "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest." "How long do I beat it before it's ready?" Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't

13. The check is in the mail. 12. You get this one, I'll pay next time. 11. You look great. 10. Of course I love you. 9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. 8. ...but we can still be good friends. 7. She means nothing to me. 6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." 5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. 4. I'll call you later. 3. I've never done anything like this before. 2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. 1. I DO.

At age 5 success is not peeing in your pants At age 10 success is having friends At age 16 success is having your driver's license At age 20 success is having sex At age 35 success is having money At age 50 success is having money At age 65 success is having sex At age 70 success is having your driver's license At age 75 success is having friends At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. THE MORAL OF THE STORY 1) Everyone who sh!ts on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2) Everyone who gets you out of the sh!t is not necessarily your friend. 3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of sh!t, keep your mouth shut.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." -------------------- "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." -------------------- Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus? -------------------- This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo -------------------- "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." -------------------- "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke." -------------------- "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control." -------------------- "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight" -------------------- "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." -------------------- Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan. -------------------- "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car." -------------------- "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo." -------------------- "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again" -------------------- "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." -------------------- "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." -------------------- "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way" -------------------- "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face" -------------------- "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car" -------------------- "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." -------------------- "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." -------------------- "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." -------------------- "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian." -------------------- "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle." -------------------- "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." -------------------- "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifiling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put", the judge replied, "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artifical limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." --Gerry Brown "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." --George Bush, US President "I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them." --George Bush, US President "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca "We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." --Parish Magazine "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." --Bill Peterson, football coach "I've read about foreign policy and studied-I know the number of continents." --George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Dan Quayle "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." --Dan Quayle "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." --Dan Quayle "The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman." --Rear Admiral James R. Hogg "Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." --Superman Costume warning label

* She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. * She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. * She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. * She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. * She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. * She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. * She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. * She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. * She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. * She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. * She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. * She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. * She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. * She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. * She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. * She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. * She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. * She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. * She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION. * She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. * She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. * She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. * She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. * She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. * She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. * She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. * She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. * She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. * She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE * She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. * She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED. * She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. * She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.

Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity? A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!

Richard Pryor's HBO specials...the old ones. I had never imagined one man could spew that much flith....Hilarious. If you want to know where all the young comedians get their stuff...find Richard Pryor

1. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 2. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 3. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a Stadium. 4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 5. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 6. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. 7. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 8. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. 9. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. 10. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. 11. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 12. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. 13. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 14. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 15. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 16. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 17. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 18. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 19. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now. 20. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. 21. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. 22. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 23. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 24. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. 25. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 26. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. 27. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 28. Most dogs are immortal. 29. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. 30. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. 31. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. 32. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 33. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 34. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. 35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. 36. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. 37. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 38. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 39. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 40. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. 41. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 42. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. 43. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. 44. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company? Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 4 The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor. Name: ____________________________________________________________ Home Address: ____________________________________________________ City: _______________ State: _______________ Zip: ____________ Date of Birth: __________ Height: __________ Weight: _________ Social Security # ____-___-_____ Drivers License # _______________ IQ: _______ GPA: _______ Boy Scout Rank and Badges: _______________________________________ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? (Circle One)Yes No If NO, please explain: ______________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married: _____________________ If less than your age, explain: ______________________________________________________________ Do you own a van?Yes No Do you own a truck with oversized tires?Yes No Do you own a waterbed?Yes No Do you own a pickup with a mattress in the back?Yes No Do you own a condom(s)?Yes No Do you own any Pornography?Yes No Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?Yes No Do you have a tattoo?Yes No (If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue application and leave the premises immediately.) In 50 words or less, what does late mean to you? In 50 words or less, what does don't touch my daughter, mean to you? In 50 words or less, what does abstinence mean to you? Name of the Church you attend: ____________________________________ How often do you attend: _________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: Mother? _______________ Father? _______________ Priest? _______________ Parole Officer? _______ Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely; all answers are confidential. 1. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be: ____________________________________________________________ 2. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ____________________________________________________________ 3. A woman's place is in the: ________________________________ 4. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ____________________________________________________________ 5. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is: ____________________________________________________________ Note: If answer #5 begins with T or A, discontinue filling out this appliction, leave the premises at once. (Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.) What do you want to do if you grow up? _________________________ What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ________________ Condoms come in packages of (circle one) A. 3 B. 6 C. 9 D. 12 E. All of the above How do you know? ___________________________________________ I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, native american ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, chinese water torture, red hot pokers, and hillary clinton kiss torture. ____________________________________________ Signature (that means sign your name, moron) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back). Have a nice day.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “Typewriter.” One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.” The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!” So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!” But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.” “Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”