I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT MODERATORS DO !!!! is it something that'll cut into my hectic social life? It's almost summer and I'm a single guy...I'm down for this as long as it doesn't interrupt my efforts to change status. unless we can find an attractive female moderator to "show me the ropes"

Jokeindex Home Good Jokes One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything: money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes -- anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money." No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, " OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes." Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle: everything I own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan -- he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later? " "I don't want the cars or planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls." The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!" "I want the motherf@#$a that pushed me in!"

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

little does she know I have other less demanding candidates interviewing for the same position

Get with the program.... "NO MEANS NO"

Mammi, I'm starting to get the impression that I could show up with the whole world in one hand and the rest of the universe in the other and I'd still be a couple of stars short of meeting your needs.

I hear you....caajis & calaacal are related...(cousins and best friends). but I still say no need to sweat it. so you'll fail...so what!!! take the class again...pay for it in cash so it can hurt. Two words that are always over-looked consequences and repercussions

Six of the seven dwarfs were sitting around the table having dinner when Sleepy comes running in. "We finally get to meet him!" He shouts. They all get excited... The next day the seven dwarfs are standing in front of the pope. Dopey's out in front. They start pushing Dopey telling him to ask him. The pope looks down at Dopey and say"Do you have a question for me my son?" Dopey looks down at his feet and nods. "Do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope looks at him sort of funny and says that he's sure there are nuns in Alaska. The other dwarfs tell impatiently to ask him the rest. The Pope looks at Dopey and says "Is there more to your question son?" Dopey looks shyly at his feet and nods. "Are there black nuns in Alaska?" The pope again looks at him funny and says that he's sure that there are black nuns in Alaska. Now, the dwarfs are getting annoyed and tell him to ask the rest. "More?" the pope askes. "Are there black midget nuns in Alaska?" The pope gives Dopey that funny look again and says "I'm sorry son but i don't think there are black midget nuns in alaska." Dopey turns beet red and the other dwarfs start chanting "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy SHOPPING MATH A man will pay 2 bucks for a 1 buck item he needs. A woman will pay 1 buck for a 2 buck item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more cash than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. POSTULATES To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home early, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "25 dollars." Man: "Fine". In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are In the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball mitt." Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?" Boy: "75 dollars." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." Father: "How much did you sell them for?" Boy: "100 dollars." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, 100 dollars is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The Priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again!"

Pay attention in class and do the assignments (yourself) and exams should be a breeze. no need to stress....once you look at that paper, you know it or you don't. where does stress fit into this?

Judging a book by it's cover is called marketing, these days.... What you see is What you get

Would I be selfish and shallow if I said that I'd rather do a physical inspection in person to check for manufacturer defects?

Superman, Bro, you need an ambassador. Someone who will "wave your flag" in that foriegn land. Find a girl you already know to introduce herself ( she got a better chance than you) and gradually do a sales pitch to raise your stock. If you want to go for the ong-term espionage mission, then get your spy....err..I mean ambassador to give you the internal 411 so you have a better idea of the the "company you're trying to invest in". Choose your ambassador well 'cause you'll have to put her in a position of power where she can drill holes in your ship. Good luck

I think the real question is why do women run away from uneducated brothas? would you ladies consider a man with a blue-collar job and a bus pass? Yes? No? Maybe? Depends?.....on what? Different people need different things as much as you may need a certain kind of person, ask your self if that person needs you All you educated women (and men) know what it means to have a plan. To know what you are trying to acomplish in life. Do you think that by choosing someone who compliments your "mission path" you are being unfair to the ones you turn down? A lot of very good points have been made here by some very intelligent people...but it would be a sad sell-out to insult your own intelligence by trying to turn simple rejection into a social phobia and mass conspiracy against education

LOL @ semi-detached house. Do you want a company BMW too? I have a very big closet in my apartment, I can let you live in there ( call that an occupational fringe benefit). I had no idea I was developing a following. I thank all of you for the support and if I can light-up your day it a very good thing.

LOL...I like that the first one bashes women and second bashes guys....very politically correct

QoxootiMammi, fee???? sure. I must inform you that I've abandoned the western financial system, so I'll pay with a goat, 2 chickens and a bag of salt.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little ******* . Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing is drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a Tim Horton's, when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian man ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a big container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course." Smacking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why? Of course we do." The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course," said the American. Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum, and sell them to the United States."

GET A REPLACEMENT. preferable someone who'll keep you busy. when you're trying to get over someone "free time" is the enemy. keep moving keep busy.

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in? "

I met this Somali sista the other day. Looked just like missy...big lips, big teeth and bigger ego. She looked like a head-on collision between a bus and a train. ( on the positive side, she had minty fresh breath). But my point is there's exception to every rule. Is Alicia Keyes hot? No doubt you could be blind and still see that. Is she Somali? I personally don't care what she is. Chances of meeting her are actually not that bad. But as far as her seeing you and saying "oh **insert name here**, I have been waiting for your love my whole life", you have a better chance of getting struck by 2 bolts of lightening as you discover you've just hit the jack-pot on 3 lotteries. So we can all just picture her to be whatever ethnic culture we have a thing for, She can be the sweetest girl on the planet,she can be the dirtiest freak alive or all of the above. the only limitation is your imagination.